Here we are staring down the barrel of another six weeks in isolation.
Although the restrictions mirror those that were in place the first time round, I think this time we feel a sense of failure, almost as if we are being punished for not trying hard enough.
A sense of complacency crept in for all of us when restrictions started to ease. I so desperately wanted to believe it was over and that we were finally waking up from the nightmare 2020 had been thus far.
I was back at work and thriving, loving every minute of interacting with people other than my immediate family. I was seeing my friends for the first time in months and relishing every moment of it.
But with this reintroduction of some normality, came a weird realisation for myself: had I come out of isolation a better version of myself than when I entered?
Short answer: Yes.
Like most of us, I didn’t take the news of the first lockdown lightly. I live at home with my parents and two siblings (one of whom is unwell), I had been temporarily stood down from work and I didn’t have a partner who’s house I could seek refuge in.
Adding to this, I have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my teenage and adult life. The idea of being cooped up in my house with none of my usual outlets triggered every alarm bell possible inside my brain.
A previous version of myself would have succumbed and been sucked into a big black hole of depression. But when your household is already fatigued from caring for and supporting my sick sister, I decided that my only option was to look after myself.
I decided to invest my time and money into something I never had before: myself.
I signed up for a course named Self Love Alchemy, ironically run by a shining light also named Ellie (not an ad, I just LOVE her). The requirements for the course included: crippling self doubt? Check, low self worth? Check, desperately want to make a change but not sure how? CHECK CHECK CHECK.
The four week course took me on an emotional journey of rediscovering my self-love and worth, that had been lost amongst the chaos of early adulthood. I realised how much validation I sought from other people. How much I based my self worth on what others thought of me.
I used to feel lonely even when I was surrounded by people. I used to feel incomplete because I was one of the only ones without a boyfriend. I would externalise those frustrations on the people around me, like it was their job to help fill the gaps.
But, a funny thing happens when you suddenly have to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for six weeks just with oneself: You start to get to know yourself all over again.
When have we ever had time just to learn to get comfortable with being alone, and not just be comfortable but actually enjoy it? (This isn’t a rhetorical question, the answer is never).
I began to fall in love with who I am again. I started to identify the trauma I had been exposed to, and how those events had affected my self esteem. I realised I had never found myself in a mutually loving relationship, because I was relying solely on the other person to keep my self worth afloat.
I found strength inside myself I didn’t know was there. I genuinely felt the best I had about myself for a long time.
It is incongruous that I was feeling so great during a time of such distress and uncertainty for my family and society. But I don’t feel guilty about it.
Putting myself first enables me to show up for those who need it, without diminishing my own needs. I am able to support my sister through her struggles better than I had before. I am able to filter through social media and ignore fear mongering from media outlets.
Ultimately I have become a better member of my communities solely by putting myself first.
So, my totally unqualified advice for this second round of lockdown, is to use this unprecedented free time to focus on yourself. Find out things about yourself you didn’t know. Learn to love those parts of you that make you feel so insecure. I promise you you’ll be thankful for it.
If I can bloody do it, I assure you ANYONE can.
Comentarios